Most parents know what it’s like to have a toddler throw a "temper tantrum" in a supermarket aisle or busy parking lot, but they expect their child will eventually grow out of it. However, this doesn’t always happen for disabled and neurodivergent children.

This is because disabled and neurodivergent children often struggle to understand the world around them, and anger and frustration can be their logical response to this. Even if parents work hard to eliminate causes of frustration, your child will still occasionally act in ways that upset and challenge you.

Your child needs to know it is okay to feel angry sometimes and that you’re on their side, no matter how spectacular their outburst may be. How your child copes with anger is not a reflection of your parenting abilities. It's understandable if you feel stressed, embarrassed, or angry. If this is the case, don’t bottle it up. Talk to your partner, your family, a friend, or someone you trust about how you’re feeling. You are your child’s most important advocate, so it’s important you take care of yourself.

It's also important to know that experts don’t always agree on anger management strategies, which can be confusing for those trying to find answers. However, keep in mind that angry outbursts are a behaviour which all children are capable of, whereas neurodivergent children tend to suffer from cognitive or sensory overload and have what are commonly known as meltdowns. The recommended ways of dealing with meltdowns are not the same as for other angry outbursts.

So, while your child may be having what appears to be a “temper tantrum.” they could also be experiencing an overload of stress.

Top tips for parents

• Build coping skills: Focus on responding to your child’s behaviour in a way that helps them learn some useful coping skills. Try not to see the behaviour as naughty or attention-seeking.‍
• Keep expectations: Have realistic goals for what your child can cope with, to avoid sensory overload.‍
• Consistency is key: It works best when everyone in your child’s life takes the same consistent, calm approach to dealing with anger.‍
• Understand it’s complex: Imagine their angry behaviour is like the tip of an iceberg. You see what’s above the surface, but the reason for their behaviour is hidden below.
• Stay calm: Communicate calmly and clearly with your child. Don’t meet anger with anger.
• Tune out the noise: Don’t take on board other people’s judgemental attitudes when your child has an angry episode in public.
• Be caring: Try to focus on keeping your child safe and appropriately cared for during their outburst. Make sure they have space to feel their feelings.
• Be supportive: Your child may feel stressed or angry when facing a new situation or challenge, so it’s important to let them know you’re there for them and they’re not alone.

Remember, it’s okay not to have all the answers. Parenting is hard work and you won’t always know what to do. All any of us can do is just try our best.

Support

Explore has online courses for families. These are quite comprehensive and long but you can go at your own pace when it suits you. Explore is contracted by Government to provide support to children and their families. You can access this through the Mana Whaikaha or needs assessment process.

Incredible Years programmes are for both the parents and teachers of children aged three to eight. They help reduce challenging behaviour and increase children’s social and self-control skills. Ask your ECE head teacher or SENCO about Incredible Years. The Incredible Years programme is a weekly session for parents over 14 weeks - it’s long but parents report that connecting with others is really useful.