Pubic hair, blood in your knickers, spontaneous erections – these are part of the journey from childhood to adulthood, and to becoming a sexual human being.

But too often, disabled and neurodivergent teens are left out of conversations their peers have exploring gender, early sexual experiences, and romantic aspirations. Some don’t have access to sex education at schools either.

If this is the case for your child, it may be up to you to support their exploration of their sexuality, to decide what gender they identify with, to pursue intimate relationships, and to masturbate in the privacy of their own home. This may not sound easy, but it’s important to lay the foundations for honest and open conversations about sex and relationships as early as possible.

Know their rights

In 1986 British campaigner Ann Craft identified three sexual rights for intellectually disabled people.

1. The right to know (about sex).
2. The right to be sexual.
3. The right not to be sexually abused.

She was ahead of her time and since then, the right to marry, have children and be sexual has been enshrined in the United Nations Convention on the Rights of Persons with Disabilities.

Disabled and neurodivergent children need to forge identities separate to their parents. They need opportunities to take risks. They need privacy for their emerging sexuality, and they need to make their own choices. It can be tough on parents of a disabled children whose instinct has always been to hold them close. But it's important to accept that now is the time to ‘let go’ of your child, while still being there in the background to catch them if they need you to.

Don’t assume they’re not interested…

Even if your child hasn’t shown overt interest in it, sexuality and relationship information is relevant to all young people. It lets them know they deserve positive, healthy, and happy sexual and romantic relationships - if and when they do become interested. Giving them accurate knowledge about bodies and sexuality (as well as communication skills) can also help protect them against abuse and exploitation.

Don’t underestimate how important these issues may be for your child. Trying to protect your child from sex and relationships won’t work. Your child has the right to grow up – and romance, sexuality and heartbreak come with the territory.

Key messages for your child to hear:

In your own words, tell your child:

• I respect your right to become a sexual, independent human being.
• I’m here to support you with love, information, and a willing ear for whatever they’re feeling or going through.
• I recognise your right to make decisions about how your wish to express your gender and individuality. (Disabled and neurodivergent young people are as likely to identify as LGBTQ+ as anyone else – in fact, some surveys have shown neurodivergent people are more likely to be gender non-conforming, gender diverse, or transgender. They may need our help in articulating this aspect of themselves.)
• It’s normal to have sexual and romantic feelings. It’s also normal to experience pain and frustration if those feelings are not requited.
• You are deserving of love, connection, and respect.

Key things for parents to do:

• Provide your child with opportunities to be alone with their peers and to develop connections, friendships, and relationships. This also helps them to be more independent, and less reliant on adults.
• Allow them to take risks that help build their confidence and self-esteem.
• Help them make decisions about their personal care, especially regarding intimate care. See our article about teaching teens good hygiene.
• Enable them to advocate for themselves and their right to be a sexual citizen.
• Avoid telling them sex is only possible within a loving relationship, as this can lead to confusion and negative self-perceptions.
• Make sure your child has the communication skills to say ‘no’ to any touch or intimate contact they dislike, as well as unwanted relationships and knowing how to end a relationship. (If they're non-speaking, a firm hand in the stop position or making verbal noises is important).
• Make sure they know the difference between public and private, especially when it comes to expressing their sexuality.
• Teach them the social rules around sexual behaviour and respecting other people’s boundaries.
• Discuss any concerns with their school to make sure they’re supporting your child as you would like. For example, if your child likes to express their gender in different ways, make sure the school has an accepting culture.

With your help, your child can discover exactly who they are, what they like and feel confident.

Learn more

Check out the resources and other articles below.

Click here to read about one young person's experience of re-discovering their sex life after a spinal cord injury.

You may also want to check out ‘Why are you so obsessed with my sex life?’ – an episode from the podcast Dating, Relationships and Disability, produced by Auckland-based disability advocates Olivia Shivas and Rebecca Duder: WWWY Episode 4: Dating transcript