Three mothers – Lili in Auckland, and Liesa and Lucy in Christchurch – share their experiences getting tamariki assessed for ADHD. They speak frankly about the challenges they’ve faced and give advice for other parents on a similar journey.

Start early, and trust your instincts

Liesa’s daughter, 15, was diagnosed with ADHD and Global Developmental Delay (which was later re-diagnosed as an intellectual disability).

“Lots of people around me thought her behaviour was just a result of my parenting,” says Liesa, “but I knew it wasn’t. I had to fight to get her diagnosed, and eventually we learned she has ADHD as well as intellectual disability.”

It’s a familiar story for many parents.

Lili has two sons, 13 and 16, with autism and ADHD. She first noticed her eldest son was “quite hyper” around age five, yet she spent many years convincing people it was ADHD.

“I wish he got support earlier, but people turned us down,” says Lili.

I tried to get a diagnosis: I talked to GPs, specialists, psychiatrists, counsellors. But at five years old, it was just considered normal “naughty” behaviour. They would just say give him some time. But it kept happening. As a mother, I notice what’s going on. I can see he needs support.”

Finally, when her son was eight, his teacher advised that he do the ADHD assessment.

“Then it was confirmed by a specialist,” says Lili. “ADHD. There was no doubt about it.”

Assessing the family

ADHD can often run in families. Liesa’s eldest daughter was already diagnosed with ADHD, so she was able to recognise the signs in her youngest daughter too. However, while one daughter’s ADHD mostly appeared outside the family home, for the other it’s when she’s at home that signs of ADHD appear.

It was similar for Lili’s sons. While ADHD was obvious in her eldest son, she was shocked when the school said her youngest might also have it.

“He was so well-behaved at home. He would sit quietly, and spend a lot of time on the computer, but at school he couldn’t sit still.”

Lucy is a parent who has ADHD herself. Her eldest daughter was diagnosed at 20, while her youngest daughter Azayleah (10) is showing similar signs. Lucy was diagnosed as an adult.

“I was 39 when I learned I had it, though I think it was probably just missed when I was a kid – growing up in 80s, there wasn’t as much awareness of it as there is now. I’ve been medicated for seven years and I feel so grateful. Before that, I wasn’t the parent I am now. My relationships with my kids are so much better. It just shows it’s never too late to get help.”

“If you notice ADHD symptoms in your kid, it might pay to see if you show signs as well.”

Medication and other strategies

Knowing how medication has helped herself and her eldest daughter, Lucy is keen to get support for Azayleah too, so she’s able to concentrate at school and have opportunities to socialise.

For Lili’s sons, ADHD treatment has been a combination of medication and counselling, both on and off.

But for Liesa, there has been a lot of trial and error of different medications for her daughter, with nothing working until Ritalin.

“She’s a lot calmer and able to concentrate more," says Liesa. "She still has meltdowns, but not nearly as frequently, and she has stopped banging her head and throwing things.”

In addition, Liesa says fidget toys have really helped her daughter. She also tries to keep her entertained with different activities such as getting outside to somewhere like the beach.

“It’s about experiencing new things and finding something they really love,” says Liesa. “It’s not always easy, and you need all the patience in the world, but it’s about working with your child, not against them.”

Many children with ADHD concentrate better on tasks that match their interest, and Lili has found this to be the case with her boys.

“Two years ago, my son came to me and said he wanted to learn violin. I was surprised, but it makes a difference when they like to do it. His violin teacher says he’s talented and even asked him to perform after only six lessons.”

Find a community of support

Liesa belongs to a local Facebook support group for ADHD & Neurodiversity in Christchurch. They get together once a month, and she says it’s a great way to meet other parents and learn from each other.

Socialisation has been crucial for Lili’s sons’ mental health.

“Having a buddy to talk to helped my youngest open up and relate to other people, and my daughter (17) gives my eldest son advice, encouraging him to cope with negative thoughts by doing activities and meeting up with friends, which helps. Social interaction is very important. If that improves, everything will improve.”

Unfortunately, without the right supports in place, things like school can be hard for Lucy’s daughter Azayleah.

“It’s particularly sensory stuff,” says Lucy. “I love her school, and they’ve put a lot into supporting her, but they simply don’t get enough funding. Class sizes are too big and she doesn’t have the space to thrive. It’s not just Azayleah – there are many other kids in that school that have ADHD, as well as other disabilities.”

Be persistent

Getting a formal ADHD diagnosis is an ongoing challenge for Lucy’s daughter. At the beginning of last year, she was diagnosed with an intellectual disability, but they haven’t been able to confirm ADHD yet.

“I’ve felt something was different since she was around three or four,” says Lucy, “but the doctors couldn’t see it because she’s still so young.”

Like many parents, Lucy says it’s about being persistent.

“It’s bloody tough trying to get help but I believe it’ll be worth it. I have to be really patient. There will be lots of roadblocks, but you can’t let them stop you.”

Liesa also tells other parents not to give up.

“A lot of it is about approaching the right professionals and getting the right people involved,” she says. “I’ve had to fight for everything I’ve got for my daughter.”