Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) is not widely known or understood amongst adults, let alone children. But not being understood can make life scary, lonely and confusing for your PDA child.

But as their parent, there are a number of things you can do to help make the world a safer and less confronting place for them – and that starts with talking to them.

What is PDA?

PDA causes some kids to experience requests or demands as a threat, even simple requests like get dressed for school or eat your breakfast. Check out our article on the signs of PDA for more information.

Why talk to your child about PDA?

When PDA children (or PANDAs, as they are sometimes known) are able to articulate what it’s like to walk in their shoes, it helps them to take ownership of their experience and develop a positive sense of self.

Many PANDAs get frustrated when people can’t see their good qualities because their anxiety and rejection of requests/demands gets in the way. It’s important to remind them that they have many amazing qualities that you see, and that others will with time.

What should your child know about PDA?

• Requests or demands might feel like a threat, and because of this you feel like you’re being attacked, and might sometimes lash out.
• This response is caused by high levels of stress and anxiety. When PDA children feel particularly anxious, it can feel hard to do ordinary, everyday things that are easy for other children. Alternatively, when their anxiety is not high, they may find they can follow requests easily.
• Adults can help you find ways to reduce your anxiety. For example,
  
  • having control over your environment
  • having a safe place or a safe person to go to when you need to calm down – both at home and at school
  • learning techniques to cope with anxious feelings such as spending time on your own with a favourite book or music, counting backwards, or breathing in and out slowly.
• Every PANDA is unique and amazing and deserves love, support and acceptance.

You might like to read through children’s books on PDA with your child to further explore what it means to be a PANDA and reinforce positive messages. You can find a list of these in the ‘helpful links’ section at the bottom of this article.

Come up with strategies together

Once your child has a general understanding about PDA, try find out more about their specific experience so that you can find ways to better support them. Remember to phrase your questions in ways your child won’t find threatening eg ‘Would you like to write down . . .?’, ‘I wonder what it feels like when . . .?’ and so on.

Using this low-demand language, try to find answers to the following questions:

• What kinds of demands do you find especially difficult?
• Are there any particular people who are more difficult to cooperate with?
• Are there some situations/environments that make you especially worried?
• How does it feel when people ask you to do things when you’re tired, hungry, feeling pressured?
• Is it difficult making friends? Or keeping friends?
• Can you identify things that trigger feelings of anxiety or make you upset?

Once you’ve built a better picture of what situations/people/environments/demands are difficult for your child, you can develop customised strategies to cope with them. For example, once your child is aware of the things that trigger their anxiety and its warning signs, they can seek out their safe person or place beforehand.

Some helpful videos on YouTube

• Understanding Pathological Demand Avoidance with Harry J. Thompson
• PDA – An Insider’s Perspective
• Laura Kerbey and Harry Thompson talk about PDA
• Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) 101

Some helpful websites

• Pathological Demand Avoidance Australia and New Zealand PDAANZ www.pdaanz.com
• The Education Hub – Understanding Pathological Demand Avoidance
• PDA Society www.pdasociety.org.uk

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If you would like to know more about PDA, see our other articles below or check out the list of helpful materials.

If you're looking for more information and resources, please contact the IHC library to have a chat about what you need on 0800 442 442 or email Librarian@ihc.org.nz

The Library is free to anyone living in New Zealand, and materials will be posted to you free of charge and includes a free return courier bag.