Our relationships with our siblings are lifelong, making them one of the most important bonds we have.

Finding out one of your tamariki has a disability will impact the whole whānau and will require changes and new ways of living for everyone, including your non-disabled children.

Here's some advice to help tamariki understand their disabled sibling’s needs and differences.

Common questions from non-disabled siblings

Why is my sibling different?

At first, they may find it difficult to process what is happening around them, but acceptance of a sibling's disability helps in overall development and self-esteem of both kids.

It’s normal for non-disabled siblings to feel different emotions at different times in their life, from fear and anxiety about the disability, to feeling lonely or isolated because of the additional care their sibling requires. They might even feel angry or resentful about this attention, or embarrassed when around their school friends. Some kids feel a need to be perfect or achieve more, or guilty about their own abilities.

But there are things you can do:

• Encourage non-disabled siblings to learn more about their sibling's disability.
• Listen and discuss their feelings and any issues they’re having. Work on recognising their concerns.
• Make time for each child as well as the whole whānau.

I want to be a good sibling, how can I do that?

It’s important to let your child know that if they experience any of the above worries, that they can be open and honest with you about it.

• Continue usual whānau activities and encourage everyone to join in.
• Help them to reach out to support groups or talk to someone who also has experience.
• Welcome other kids and friends into the home.
• Allow the kids time to be on their own.
• Let them settle their own differences.

What will happen when I grow up?

When a non-disabled sibling sees the support their disabled sibling requires, they might worry about how they will provide that if and when the rest of the family is no longer able to. They might feel anxious about their extra responsibilities, have concerns about the future, or wonder if their children will have a disability too.

Don’t be afraid to talk about it:

• Keep a limit on the caregiving responsibilities on siblings.
• Emphasise the positives.
• Make plans and keep schedules as routine as possible.
• Try include them in family decisions and plans for the future.

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To learn more, check out the sibling resources below, or for more information and resources on this topic, please contact the IHC library to have a chat about what you need on 0800 442 442 or email Librarian@ihc.org.nz

The Library is free to anyone living in New Zealand, and materials will be posted to you free of charge and includes a free return courier bag.