PDA or Pathological Demand Avoidance (also known as Pervasive Drive for Autonomy) is a profile on the autism spectrum where a person avoids or resists demands – even if the demand is something they want to do.

For parents, life at home with a PDA child can feel like a constant battle of wills! But try and see this challenging behaviour for what it is – their way of communicating distress. Discipline won’t work, as telling them they’re ‘over-reacting’ or to ‘calm down’ will likely increase their anxiety. Instead, try reduce their anxiety by supporting and validating their feelings. When PDA children feel safe and in control, they become less anxious and are more likely to comply with demands.

This can be confusing for parents, as something their child refuses to do one day can be a breeze the next, or something they refuse to do at home is not a problem at school. This is because anxiety levels can vary from week to week, day to day, hour to hour.

It’s also likely that your PDA child, like many autistic children, will experience sensory difficulties – if their environment is too noisy or bright, they may be less able to cope with demands.

11 tactics you can try

The key to having a calmer home with a PDA child is to reduce the number of demands. Some ways you might do this are:

1. ‍Prioritise things that need to happen, and don’t stress about the rest. For example, you may allow your child to eat on a tray in the playroom rather than the dining table, so long as they eat a healthy meal. ‍
2. Collaborate. Make decisions with your child. Don’t expect an instant response – give them time to think about what they’d like to do. ‍
3. Offer choices but limit these to two or three options so they don’t become overwhelmed. For example, ask them which activity they’d like to do first: clean their teeth or wash their face.‍
4. Be flexible. When their anxiety grows, your child may refuse to do a previously agreed action. This can be disappointing but do your best to take it in your stride.‍
5. Be aware of your body language and tone of voice. If you’re upset, your child will sense it and become more resistant to demands. It may even trigger a meltdown.
6. ‍Disguise demands as thinking out loud, for example, ‘I wonder if it’s too cold outside to wear just a t-shirt and shorts? Perhaps I need to put on a jacket?’‍
7. Be mindful of praise. If your child does something you approve of, don’t praise them directly as they may think this means they’ve complied or given up control. Instead, praise their behaviour to someone else so they can overhear, or generalise your praise: ‘Things have gone so well today’. ‍
8. Link their interests and hobbies to your requests. For example, if they love Batman, suggest wearing their Batman costume when you need to visit the shops. ‍
9. Let them do things they enjoy as much as you can. This will help when it comes to asking them to do things they’re less keen on. ‍
10. Create win/win situations. Offer to help your child with a task, or alternatively, give them time and space to do it themselves.‍
11. Use humour. Kids like to see the funny side of things, and being silly can make demands seem more appealing.

Other things to keep in mind:

• Parenting strategies for PDA often go against traditional ‘good parenting’ advice. Be prepared to let some of these go.
• Like all children, PDA children want your love and approval. Let them know you appreciate how hard they’re trying.
• Be your child’s ‘safe’ person by providing calm, consistent acceptance, and support.
• Make sure they have a ‘safe space’ at home where they can go to calm down. This may be a couch in the playroom, a bench in the garden or their own room.
• Help your child understand their PDA by reading age-appropriate books that explain it using positive language.
• Help them understand and regulate their emotions.

Make sure to look after yourself

Being a PDA parent can be tough when faced with a lack of understanding from other parents, professionals and even family members. Recognition of PDA varies amongst professionals and unfortunately, the “disobedience” of PDA children is sometimes blamed on "bad parenting". But trust your instincts that your child’s oppositional behaviour isn’t simply them being stubborn. Consider joining a PDA support group online or in person, as other PDA parents will understand your struggles.

Finally, remember to enjoy your child and to appreciate all the unique qualities they have to offer.

Check out our PDA resources below, or contact the IHC library if there’s something else you’re looking for on 0800 442 442 or email Librarian@ihc.org.nz

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Videos on YouTube

• Understanding Pathological Demand Avoidance with Harry J. Thompson (Neurodiversity Podcast)
• PDA An insider’s perspective (Autistic Minds)
• Laura Kerbey and Harry Thompson talk about PDA (Laura Kerbey)
• Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) 101 (Neuroawesome Life)

Helpful websites

• Pathological Demand Avoidance Australia and New Zealand
• The Education Hub – Understanding Pathological Demand Avoidance
• PDA Society UK